Friday, August 1, 2014

Man in the mirror.....or woman

The mirror.....enemy número uno. Why is that?  Why are we so critical of the image reflecting back at us?  We all read those posts about "love your body". "Your body created a miracle."
"Teach your daughters to love themselves."  But yet, we don't. At what point do we come to the conclusion that we have to accept who we are?  It's a big pill to swallow.

I don't particularly care for what I see staring back at me. I see a woman that doesn't at all resemble what society perceives as acceptable. I see ever flaw imaginable, and I hate it. The eye.....the ole eye.....that's the first thing I see. I hate the eye. I hate, hate, hate the eye. No matter what anyone says.....I hate it.   Everyone has an issue with their body, this is mine, at least one of them.
I love every person who tries to make me feel better about it, but the girl staring at me in the mirror is utterly disgusted with it. makes me ugly. And really.....who wants to be ugly?  But somehow I have to figure out a way to be comfortable with it. How, I don't know.

I'm at the end of my rope. I never expected perfect symmetry, I only wanted something nobody else would notice. For I will always notice. I will always be self conscious. People probably think I give  expressive responses to them, if only they knew that's  how I try to mask my deformity.
It's actually a gene that runs in my family. Mine has just become more noticeable over time. I tried for years to have it fixed with no success. Then the butcher got ahold of me. If I had the guts to sue a doctor I would, but I just don't have the courage or energy to do it. She took a bad situation and made it worse. I didn't see it coming. Everything was suppose to be text book. I work in the medical field so I'm well aware that a human body isn't text book.....but why me?  Boohoo. Spilled milk. Whatever. My second surgeon can walk on water. I adore him. He took a horrid situation and made it better. I'll always be grateful to him. But still.....I don't like what I see (insert pun.)

So for now this journey is over. Thank you for always listening and giving me kind words. The people I hold dear know the background, the strangers will stare and wonder. But EYE have to make peace with myself.   And my sweet husband who has always looked at me and told me I'm beautiful.....I'm a lucky girl. Black, blue, swollen, fat, pregnant, skinny, and everything in between, that's what he always says. And even though I don't want to believe him, he's telling me the truth. That's what he sees. A man blinded by love :)
Maybe I should just be thankful for what I have....

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