Saturday, April 20, 2013

Final countdown

Tic toc, tic toc......3 days until this overdue eye surgery takes place.
I have such a strange excitement, nervous, anxious, scared range of emotion. I'm not nervous about the surgery part....maybe just the end result.
I know people are curious as to what happened but are afraid to ask. Well except for little kids, they always ask. So here's the deal :).  I have a condition called Ptosis. If you stop and take a close look at people you'd be amazed how may people have some form of this diagnosis. Mine however is exaggerated. It hasn't always been this way. I don't see evidence of it in childhood pictures (ok maybe slight, but nothing anyone else would notice). Ptosis can become pronounced for various reasons. Mine happens to be from head trauma. In 1994 I was in a car accident that wasn't life threatening but semi serious. I had a blow to the right side of my head. The blow was actually the passenger side door and the mirror slicing a 4" gash in my head. I also still have slivers of glass in my right forearm. It actually feels kinda cool. Mostly I forget that it's there. I've forgotten the sting of the ER dr stapling my head back together without anesthetic. Yes....NO anesthetic. See, I am one tough beotch :).
I've never driven a car more than 50 ft without a seatbelt since that day. I learned my lesson early in the driving game. I'd only had my license for 4 short months.  The blow to my head caused damage to the levator muscle which controls the function of the eyelid muscle. It can worsen over time. No doubt mine has gotten worse. I started seeing various ophthalmologists and visual science doctors at Washington University in 2004. This game played on for years. Monitoring and documentation had to take place. Every attempt for insurance to pay resulted in disappointment. I didn't have a spare $10,000 laying around. They wanted to call my case "cosmetic". Fast forward 9 years later. My BF Carrie had a patient in her chair who recently underwent the surgery I'd wanted. Of course she called me over and we discussed it and I made an appointment with Dr. Gabriela Espinoza at The Anheuser-Busch Eye Institute. We have a standing date this Tuesday, April 23rd. While I may be just another surgery she does during her career, she will have a profound role in my outlook on life. My appearance bothers me beyond your comprehension. You'll find very few photographs of me with my children, and when you do I have sunglasses on, my head tilted or just plain half of my face cut off. I hate looking in the mirror. I've watched the YouTube video of the surgical procedure countless times. I'm ready. Not even the most gruesome videos of whats about to happen phases me at this point. I don't care. The restriction of contacts and makeup for weeks?  I couldn't careless. I'll admit the thought of laying on my back for several days isn't appealing. I don't sit still well. It is what it is. And I can't wait until its over!