Final countdown

Tic toc, tic toc......3 days until this overdue eye surgery takes place.
I have such a strange excitement, nervous, anxious, scared range of emotion. I'm not nervous about the surgery part....maybe just the end result.
I know people are curious as to what happened but are afraid to ask. Well except for little kids, they always ask. So here's the deal :).  I have a condition called Ptosis. If you stop and take a close look at people you'd be amazed how may people have some form of this diagnosis. Mine however is exaggerated. It hasn't always been this way. I don't see evidence of it in childhood pictures (ok maybe slight, but nothing anyone else would notice). Ptosis can become pronounced for various reasons. Mine happens to be from head trauma. In 1994 I was in a car accident that wasn't life threatening but semi serious. I had a blow to the right side of my head. The blow was actually the passenger side door and the mirror slicing a 4" gash in my head. I also still have slivers of glass in my right forearm. It actually feels kinda cool. Mostly I forget that it's there. I've forgotten the sting of the ER dr stapling my head back together without anesthetic. Yes....NO anesthetic. See, I am one tough beotch :).
I've never driven a car more than 50 ft without a seatbelt since that day. I learned my lesson early in the driving game. I'd only had my license for 4 short months.  The blow to my head caused damage to the levator muscle which controls the function of the eyelid muscle. It can worsen over time. No doubt mine has gotten worse. I started seeing various ophthalmologists and visual science doctors at Washington University in 2004. This game played on for years. Monitoring and documentation had to take place. Every attempt for insurance to pay resulted in disappointment. I didn't have a spare $10,000 laying around. They wanted to call my case "cosmetic". Fast forward 9 years later. My BF Carrie had a patient in her chair who recently underwent the surgery I'd wanted. Of course she called me over and we discussed it and I made an appointment with Dr. Gabriela Espinoza at The Anheuser-Busch Eye Institute. We have a standing date this Tuesday, April 23rd. While I may be just another surgery she does during her career, she will have a profound role in my outlook on life. My appearance bothers me beyond your comprehension. You'll find very few photographs of me with my children, and when you do I have sunglasses on, my head tilted or just plain half of my face cut off. I hate looking in the mirror. I've watched the YouTube video of the surgical procedure countless times. I'm ready. Not even the most gruesome videos of whats about to happen phases me at this point. I don't care. The restriction of contacts and makeup for weeks?  I couldn't careless. I'll admit the thought of laying on my back for several days isn't appealing. I don't sit still well. It is what it is. And I can't wait until its over!

I left my heart in San Francisco

I can't believe I never took the time to blog about San Francisco. I can't believe it was almost 3 months ago. The fantastic doctors I work for rewarded us with this trip in appreciation of hard work. Now this trip wasn't all playtime, we attended the ADA. One fun packed week surrounded by thousands of dental professionals. I'll spare you all of the knowledge I accumulated and just stick to the fun

We departed on Wednesday, October 17th. Dr. Sindelar loaded us up and drove through the pouring down rain to Lambert. We listened to the ball game while en route and were completely psyched to be on our way to San Fran to whip the Giants ass. We checked our bags and settled into the bar to grab a drink while waiting to board our flight and BOOM Nelly. Yup...Nelly and his posse were heading out to Bora Bora or something. Jealous. Anyway.....as fate would have it my assigned seat was smack next to Carrie. Now Carrie and I are BF's and also a wee bit of trouble when together. Yes!  The poor guy sitting next to us soon fell asleep. How could he not be amused by us?  We were in possession of "Tom on a stick". (Dr. Ewing was absent from the trip). We propped Tom on a stick next to the guy and snapped a few pictures, watched Step Brothers and napped a bit. That was a loooong 4 hours. In the pitch dark suddenly the bay became visible and reality hit that after a year of planning we were finally in California. We got separated getting off the plane but thankfully Jeff was waiting for us holding a sign that said "hot chicks". That caused a great deal of laughter. After what seemed an eternity  the bus driver/hotel guy finally picked us up. Nothing like flying down an unfamiliar freeway at 70mph with a guy who doesn't speak clear English.  Oh but he was capable of texting while driving. Oy. Point...we arrived at the Westin in one piece.  It was close to midnight before we were checked in but we were wide awake. Several of us drug ourselves across the street to a pub for a beverage. I stuck around for a bit but took my tired self back to the hotel around 2....roommate less. Carrie (yes, my roomie) stayed a bit longer. I unpacked all of my things and put them away neatly. My roommate?  She lived out of her suitcase for the next 6 days.
It's obvious the two of us have our similarities and differences....this is only a bit of a reason why I love her. AND cleaned up after her : )

Lets move on....this could be a long blog kids.

Thursday was day 1 of seminars. I learned so much I can't even remember it. Fast forward to Thursday night. We went to Top of the Mark. Me, Jen, Katie, Megan took a little longer to get ready so we missed the rest of the groups departure. Tried to flag down a taxi with no luck. So what else were we to do but hop in a limo. Meh...$50 for less than a mile. Whatever. Top of the Mark was ok. Carrie loved it. It was all 40's music and dancing. Not so much my style but it was interesting. Not really, but I was there. Anywho. We stepped outside and got our very first view of the city. Wow!  The street was lined with those fun houses and big hills in every direction. Now that's what I thought San Francisco would look like. Next stop....the Tonga Room. Pretty fun. Carrie asked a guy in a kilt if he was wearing underwear and really pissed him off. So funny. Everyone was tired so they headed back but Carrie, Justine and I decided to find, yes find, our way back on foot. Maybe this was a slightly stupid move, but we sure had fun. I think we stopped every 9 feet to tell a story. I'm pretty sure the mile walk took a good 90 minutes. Made it back and it was bedtime

Friday was full of more classes.  Carrie and I oddly had the same 3-1/2 hour break between morning and afternoon sessions. Adventure time. We hit a little pizza joint upon suggestion of a friend and it was yummo. We were off to explore. Two BF's in a strange city. After wandering around we found ourselves in the Bart Station. No clue where we were or where we wanted to go. We decided we
wanted to find the bay. We met a local cameraman named Richard and he pointed us in the right direction. We wandered through the Financial District, an outdoor market and all the way to the bay. This is where Carrie should take over. Now I have a fear of birds so much to my surprise and
shock/fear/panic I was under the attack of seagulls. SOB they're everywhere and those bastards were
headed right at me. It was a little embarrassing. Carrie tried to con me over by her, I panicked. Those
suckers were like flying turkeys. I screamed, I think I cried, people were looking at me. Thank God I made it out of there in one piece. They had me pegged. Bastards. Somehow we made it back in time for the afternoon session. After class we headed to the hotel restaurant and watched the Card whop some Giants ass. That was the first time we got dirty looks from the San Franners. We were not welcomed with open arms. Kiss it. There was a fire pit in the courtyard. That's when we had our first run in with the crazy local lawyer. I'm pretty sure he was trashed. He was giving us life advice. Wow....thanks. We were planning on going to Haight and Ashbury but he told me that if I went there at that time of night we'd get attacked and end up buying crack or something.  Instead we walked up the street and bought nail polish and fake eyelashes (Carrie's idea and never used them).

Saturday wrapped up the ADA. Now we were in total party mode. By this time Dr. Sindelars wife, Janna, had arrived so we were super excited to hit the town. We had a fabulous dinner at. After that we headed over to the Sir Francis Drake Hotel. I was sooooo excited to get there because my long lost friends from high school were meeting us. I hadn't seen Veronica and Heather Trout for years. We had a great time catching up. Well catching up as well as you can on a dance floor with a live band.  We parted ways and headed to the next adventure. I'm not going to name the gang who went, well except for Jen. She's key in this story. I can't remember the specific name of the neighborhood we were in (I want to say meat packing but that's just not right). We went to a bar named Does Your Mother Know".   This was a fantastic gay bar. In my younger years I visited many gay bars with friends so nothing I saw was very shocking. Nothing was shocking, but maybe a little scary. Jen and I stuck together like glue on our way to the bathroom. I think a few ladies wanted to take us home. What's that saying "if you can't beat em, join em"? Jen and I were officially lesbians for the next hour. In attempt to not be separated we shared a bathroom stall. Oy. No more comments on this evening. It was fun. Enough said.



Sunday....funday.  We started off the morning with Bloody Marys and a private tour to Muir Woods and Sonoma Vally.  Muir Woods was unbelievable.  End in point...big ass trees.  Next stop was Sonoma.  Pretty fun.  Toured two wineries.  The first one we went to we were on information overload.  This guy felt the need to tell us every little detail AND walk a shit ton of places.  Oy.  The second one was way more relaxed but myself personally, I was done with the wine.  We got back to the hotel, changed clothes and headed off to China Town and grabbed a bite to eat. 

Tuesday....our last day in San Francisco. We ventured out early to catch a boat to Alcatraz. I was super excited to see it. I love the paranormal and thought we'd go looking for spirits. We were in a guided tour. The group got split up and Carrie and I ended up in the back of the line with the "stroller" group. Screw that. We wandered off and did the self guided tour. Turns out this was a smart move. It was so cool. I have some of the pics up on FB. Carrie tried to force me into Cell Block D. Now this cell block is famous for paranormal activity. While we didn't see anything while we were there our photos proved different. I have a picture of Carrie in a cell and very plainly you can make out a face next to her. Freaky. We departed the island, strolled down the Warf (another seagull attack), a homeless man jumped out at Pam and scared her half to death and had lunch at Scoama's. after lunch everyone went in separate directions....well except Carrie and I. We seemed to always be in the same direction. Strange. Now this has to be the highlight of our trip. Carrie waited and waited and waited to go to Haight and Ashbury. Now Haight Ashbury was home of the hippie movement/summer of love. There's all different sights to see in this neighborhood. So on the cable car we went and Haight and Ashbury is where we landed. Definitely some sights to see. Carrie was headed straight toward "Loved to Death". This is an oddity that is also host to a reality show. As fate would have it we walked directly into a filming. We stood in the corner, didn't say a word and the director acknowledged us and let us stay. We literally stood 10 feet away from a guy who swallowed floss, took a knife and sliced his stomach open and pulled the floss out. It happened, it was real, we saw it with our own eyes. No pictures allowed, but I'm sneaky. Again they're on FB. We stood so still and quiet that after about 45 minutes for the first time I turned around and to my horror I had been leaning up against an embalming table. If I could have screamed I would have. And then I realized I was surrounded by glass cases with Barbie dolls in them. Normal right? Not....because the Barbies heads were removed and replaced with bird heads. Ugh! And that concluded our adventure of Haight and Ashbury. Back to the cable car we went. While waiting we were stuck outside some bar that was blaring the ball game. We were losing...and badly. Do you know what it's like to be in the playoffs in a city you're not loved in and watching Yadi get up to bat and have to bite your tongue so you don't yell "Yadi! Yadi! Yadi,"? It's sad. It's so, so sad. Eventually the cable car came, we jumped on at at the suggestion of an old friend we headed over to 18th and Mission. We found ourselves in the Casanova Lounge. And as suspected the ballgame was blaring. We were getting our asses handed to us. The busboy approached us, as it was apparently obvious we were from St. Louis, and ushered us over to the corner. I can't remember his name, but he was super sweet. There was a small crowd from the Midwest in the anterior of the lounge. That was where Red October came to an end. I swear to you....I turned to Carrie and asked if the game was over. She laughed and said it ended like 5 minutes earlier. Like 4 cars honked their horns and the city went back into normal activity. Nobody there was worthy of the "Go crazy folks, Go crazy!". Whatever.... We stumbled to the pizza place next door, ordered a mean slice of cheese and sunk into a booth. Not 10 minutes later in rolled the Doc, Janna and Jen. They'd just returned from the game. Jeff said he was almost glad that we didn't win due to the harassment during the game. Anyway we all finished our pizza and piled into a cab and headed back to the hotel. I'm still not sure why the 3 of them traveled all the way across town to where we were, but I suspect the doc just wanted to make sure we got back safely. (yup....he's just that nice of a guy). 

*Most valuable lesson of the trip.....Carrie and I could travel the world together.

Tuesday we bid farewell to San Fran.  It had been fun, but it was time to go home.  The 4 hour plane ride home seemed to go by quickly.  We landed at Lambert well after dark.  As I made my way through the airport I suddenly heard what I'd missed for days.  The sweetest little voice yelled out "momma!" and Ava ran for me full speed ahead.  My family was waiting....apparently I was missed : )

And it's over.....

New Years Eve.  I hate this day.  I don't know why, but it's my least favorite day of the year.  I don't care for December in general.  My birthday, Christmas, New Years....I should love all the things this month holds.....but I don't.  I think that I think it's sad.  I get older and I don't adore change.  Whatever.  Time.....ya can't stop it, so I'll recap it.

January....2012 started off by Lauren saying farewell to private school.  IDK.  There will always be a part of me that regrets it.  It always felt safe there.  But quite frankly the bullshit that accompanied it wasn't worth it anymore.  I miss interacting with certain people, but oddly enough the ones I loved the most I still talk to.  I do miss all the peeps knowing my name.  Nobody calls me "Mrs. B" anymore.  Nobody at the new school even knows my name.  Again....maybe it's better that way.

February....I don't particularly remember.  No seriously.  My memory isn't worth shit anymore.  Nick tells me things sometimes and I have no clue what he's talking about.  Kinda freaks me out.  I think it was a leap year?  If something important happened the only way I'd know is if I referenced FB.

March....My baby Lauren turned 10.  I'm still digesting that.  How did that happen?  She still likes me like 70% of the time but that's fading.  (she just read this and said the 70% of the time isn't true).

April....Lucas was born.  Oh my sweet boy.  Thanks for tolerating all my pics.  But OMG isn't he the cutest?  I'm so in love with that baby.  I take being the little mans godmother seriously.  I will spoil him until the day I die. 

May....My Tootie graduated from preschool.  She seemed to be quite entertaining the entire school year.  She even got honorable mention during the ceremony about ruby slippers.  She IS Dorothy.

June....Summer.  I adore summer for everything it has to offer.  Ava also turned 5.  June also happens to be my favorite month of the year.  I wish it would never end. 

July....Florida.  OMG...that trip was a trip.  I still don't know what to think about it.  I don't think I even blogged about it.  The never-ending car ride there with the throwing up (Ava).  Ava going into an illness everyday (apparently homesick).  It was stressful.  My poor sister will never go on a vacation with us again.  I loved watching Ava's reaction to the ocean for the first time and Lauren fall in love with it again.  Nick and I also celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary.  Wowzers....I think I deserve diamonds or something.

August....Back to school.  Mother wasn't happy about this one.  Ava was off to kindergarten and Lauren to 5th grade.  I won't lie.  It was one of the hardest days EVER.  Thankfully she adjusted and Lauren...well she adjusts to just about anything.  Turns out those Fridays to myself are pretty nice too. 

September....Beginning of the month lots of fam from TX and UT came to visit.  Sweet little Eliza made her St. Louis debut.  OMG she's sooooo cute.  I wonder if we could bribe my cousin Rachael to send her back to us.  End of the month...Lucas and I became Godmomma/Godson <3.

October....SAN FRANCISCO!  I loved San Fran.  I loved spending so much time with my BF Carrie.  I never blogged about all of our adventures and I totally should have.  From the Nelly sighting at Lambert, the plane ride, the afternoon adventures, the nightlife, the Cards games, the venture to Haight and Ashbury and all the way to Mission Street.  Loved, loved, loved it.  And turns out Carrie and I could travel the world together.  She really is one of my best friends and am so glad we spent so much time together. 

November.....Whaaaaa?  It was like 2 months ago, or a month ago.  IDK.  I just remember Obama being reelected.  No shock....I was in favor.  Love or hate...doesn't matter.  Some people take this shit way to seriously.  Ultimately we're not in control so make the best and move on.  What else happened?  I painted the kitchen chairs, and still haven't finished them.  Slacker.

December....I turned 35.  30freakingfive.  It feels so old.  Like sooner or later some of the shit I pull isn't going to be acceptable.  WTF?  I don't want to be old, I don't wanna die either so I guess we'll move onto 36.  Oy that's old. 

Now after I read that it seems that it was a pretty boring year.  I swear it was entertaining from time to time.  I just read it again and it was still boring.  Shit.  I'll try to liven it up a bit in 2013. 

So Happy New Year friends.  I hope that 2013 treats you all with kindness and love.

xoxo
sugarplum

N S E W....this blog's going in too many directions

this sums it up

 

 

 

How can summer be over already? 

I love summer.  I love 100 + temperatures.  I love the sunshine.  I love daylight that lasts late into the evening.  I love the sound of baseball on the radio, the smell of people barbecuing, pruney little fingers and toes from being in the pool all day long, and the feeling of exhaustion after a day of yard work.  And now it's over.  Boo.  I loved this summer in particular.  So many things happened. 

 

 

*My best friend found out she's having a baby.  After 3 years of fertility treatments and 2 days shy of undergoing surgery by fluke she took a pregnancy test and saw something she thought she'd never see.  +  Amazing.  I picked up my phone and saw 19 missed phone calls and 1 text.  As I picked up my phone to read the text she called again and said "did you see that?".  After prompted me to check the text she hung up on me.  I opened the pic, called her back and confirmed we saw the same +.  Then she said "I have to go.  Andy's home and I'm not allowed to tell anyone".  Click.  WTH?  She's now almost 5 months pregnant and tomorrow they find out if it's a boy or girl.  Thankfully I'm high on the list so she's been given the green light to call me asap.  (dr. ewing it's just that important that i might have to ditch you during an intense procedure).  I can't wait to love this baby.  Kim has loved my kids beyond words.  They adore her.  There's something about watching and playing with your best friends kids.  There's a connection....and they know....they understand the bond you have with their mom.  (MaryJane and Jackson...you know how much I love you.  Muah).  Anyway....hurry up February! 

 

*My baby turned 5.  I still can't believe I'm baby/toddler/preschooler-less.  Ava's a mess, but the little lady has me wrapped around her finger.  I definitely understand the whole "momma's baby" thing now.  The plays me like a fiddle.....and I don't care.

 

*My dad decided to take his girls to Florida.  My mom, Lauren, Ava, my sister and yours truly.  Lots of fun.  I don't think my sister will ever vacation with us again.  My dad told my mom that they needed another vacation.  Yeah...me too.  Lauren loves the ocean and became obsessed with the bogey board.  Ava just wanted to hang out on the sandbar.  I didn't know that's where sharks hang out.  Ignorance is bliss.  We didn't get attacked by any sharks, but I did defeat my fear of the water.  (we all know that the stupidest things terrify me.  oceans, rivers, water i can't see through, fish, butterflies and birds.  i know, i know.  i take shit for it all the time.  but hey....one step at a time).

 

*The girls returned to school.  I'm still not sure how I have a daughter in 5th grade and

one in kindergarten.  Lauren excels in school and Ava....well she doesn't comment on her schooldays.

God help her teacher.  I think she's coming around.  She's had good behavior the last 2 weeks and got to go to the treasure chest.  I wasn't sure how I felt about being kidless on Fridays.  It's been 10-1/2 years since I've had a chunk of time all to myself on a consistent basis.  Turns out....I really, really like it. 

 

*My dear friends Tim and Leah welcomed their first baby, Luke, into the world 10 weeks early. 

This little guy's a fighter.  4lbs.  Has been breathing on his own since day one and growing stronger everyday.  Next Saturday I'm throwing her a baby shower.  It's my baby shower debut.  I nailed the wedding showers.  I could plan one in my sleep, this is new territory.  I'm going for a classic nursery rhyme theme.  Nobody makes decor for this theme.  I've completed the handmade banner, baby blocks, invitations, table decorations.  I've stumbled upon the most amazing cake.  It looks like

a story book.  I had nursery rhymes printed on edible paper.  Here's the scary part....I'm making it.  God help me.  I can't wait to give Leah the blanket I had made for her.  Finally I thought of something to do with the tons of bridesmaid dresses....baby blankets.  I hope she likes it.

 

*In two weeks my sweet little Lucas and I officially become Godmother/Godson.  I think this is a huge deal.  I love that baby beyond words.  He's amazing.  I love his laugh, his smile, his slobber, the way he flaps his arms and legs when I walk into the room.  If he could run to me he would.  I love that he loves me.  I love that he reaches for me.  He's got me wrapped around his finger for sure.

 

Anyway that's the last 3 months in a nutshell.  Doesn't look like a lot but it was pretty dramatic and jam packed.  If I could hit the rewind button I would.  There's so many things I'd love to write about that's happened.  Somethings have to be left for my memoir.  So for now I'll simply

say thank you.  I think there's definitely some unfinished business.  I think there always will be. 

I have as many thought running through my head as footprints in that sand.

 

Sorry about the randomness of this blog.  Most definitely not my finest.  That's what happens on hangover Sunday.  Oh yeah....one more thing.  (and this is my blog so i can say whatever i want and

not take any shit for it)  4 MORE YEARS!  YOU BET YO MOMMA I'M VOTIN' OBAMA.

 

 



In the blink of an eye....

See that picture?  That's a small portion of the Boitano Mob.  That picture was taken October 7, 2006.  We went to a winery that day to celebrate Kori's birthday.  Nick's mom had died just 2 weeks before.  That had to be one of the most horrible times of my life.  Those smiles come from many, many bottles of wine.  I had no idea what the future was about to hold.  I love that I have this picture (thank you Kori).  Actually, it's quite funny.  I'm not pregnant in that picture....yet.  How many poor kids can be told the exact time of their conception?  Um...Ava can.  Yeah, you guessed it.  It was the wine!  That's the honest to God truth.  Ava, Ava, Ava.  I can't begin to imagine what my life would be without you sweet girl.  We can skip over the details, but I can very vividly remember the intro scene to Look Who's Talking playing in my mind.  23 days from the time this picture was taken I had 100% confirmation that a baby existed.  There was never supposed to be a second baby.  I had Lauren.  My world revolved around her and there was no way I could love another human as much as I loved her.  Time passed and as it did this little bun in the oven and I were getting well aquainted.  For the next 7 months (yes months) this baby made me as sick as a dog...day and night.  I remember laying in bed feeling like crap watching the Cardinals win the world series, falling asleep at 9:00 on New Years Eve.....my fun had come to a complete stop.  Lauren wasn't to fond of this baby either.  She was about to get knocked off her pedestal and she wasn't happy about it.  We tried to get her excited.  She was there for the ultrasound when we found out we were having a girl and she got to make the phone calls telling people the news.  That excitement faded....quickly.  Before I knew it July 3rd was quickly approaching.  Natalie, Layla, Elizabeth....this kid needed a name.  Oh yeah...Ava.  I liked that name.  I was once friends with a lady named Ava Lorraine who was a nurse at Children's Hospital.  She was so nice.  I have no clue whatever happened to her but that name wouldn't leave my head.  So Ava, Ava Jewel it is.   I begged and pleaded with my doctor to enduce labor.  I WAS DONE!  No deal.  She compromised and told me if I hadn't gone into labor by the end of June she would schedule and inductioin.  WooHoo!  A whole 3 days early.  Sign me up.  7:30am on June 30th, 2007 I checked myself into Missouri Baptist.  I was ready to get the show on the road.  The nurses came in, started the usual procedure...blah, blah, blah.  It was a slow go in the beginning and then Boom!  Epidural please.  Funny how you can be so eager for someone to shove a needle in your spine.  And then we were smooth sailing.  My parents arrived with Lauren mid afternoon.  She thought it was great.  All the nurses made over her and gave her like a million cups of chipped ice.  The clock kept ticking and no baby.  Nick took Lauren out of the room for a while and I remember laying in the bed half asleep and seeing my dad sitting next to me....just waiting....love that man.  Well apparently action started and I became fully focused.  Holy broken epidural Batman!  I come from a family of hospital oriented people.  If there's one thing I know it's "Do not whine".  So I didn't.  I didn't say a word.  I could take it...kind of.  Nick and Lauren went down to get dinner.  My mom was in the room with me.  And as any good mother would know, she knew something was wrong.  She kept asking me if she should go and get a nurse.  I repeatedly told her no.  They would come check.  As big of a baby as I can be at times, I can suck up pain pretty well.  I wasn't crying...I swear, but I could feel a tear run down my cheek.  Next thing I knew my mother was gone and nurses came in.  She said "sweetheart, why didn't you call for me?  are you trying to have this baby on your own?"  It seemed like a matter of minutes....3 pushes and there she was.  All 7lbs, 4oz, 20-1/2" of perfection.  And my God this kid had a set of lungs on her.  And just like you see on tv, I was handed a baby (covered in all that funkyness) and kissed her sweet little face, told her I loved her and Happy Birthday.  They took her across the room where I watched the nicest nurse help Lauren give her baby sister a bath.  And then she was all mine, still screaming, but she was mine.  Instant love, unspeakable love.  There's nothing like holding your own baby.  I shared her for a bit with Nick, Lauren, my parents and my loyal best friend Kim that waited outside the door.  And all this time she was still screaming.  I gave her a bottle....the kid was starving!  I miss that screaming sometimes.  The sleepless nights, the diaperbag, the carseat that weighed a thousand pounds, washing bottles.  My baby's about to be 5 on Saturday.  Five years old....that's not a baby anymore.  I'm not handling this well.  This is going by way to fast.  The constant need for me is fading.  I wish I could freeze her at 4 years old.  She loves me, hell she adores me.  She runs to me when I come home from work and kisses me and tells me how much she misses me and just wants "tomorrow to be a mommy day".  Ugh... Ava I love you so much.  You make me laugh so hard.  I love that you quote every line from The Wizard of Oz, you are still in love with Michael Jackson, you have to take your baby doll with you every place you go, you only want to wear dresses and fancy shoes, you climb into my bed almost every night and wrap those little hands around my neck and just want to lay close to me.  But 5 already?  I love you every second of everyday.  You light up my life little lady.  I can't wait until next week when I show you the ocean for the first time and watch you play in the sand.  We'll have picnics and go for long walks on the beach.  I love you so much Ava Jewel.  Happy Happy Birthday my sweet doll.  "I love you to the moon (kiss, kiss) and back".

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and yes, some people are gay. Get over it.

OK so a while ago I posted a youtube video on my facebook page.  It was a clip of Anderson Cooper interviewing a lady named Stacey Pritchard.  She attends Providence Road Baptist Church in North Carolina.  The ass-clown leader of this "church" is Pastor Charles Worley.  He made several comments which lead to a protest.....and extremely pissed me off.  His sermon called for gays and lesbians to be locked behind electric fences so they would "die out".  If you haven't watched this I highly suggest you do....you'll want her to get hit by a car just as much as I do.  Anderson Cooper called this chick out every single time she opened her mouth and shit came out of it.  I bet I watched it 15 times.  Each time I laughed harder than the time before.  Idiots like this really exist.  Now I might joke around a lot but you'll never see me blog or have a status update concerning serious, sensitive topics like politics or lifestyle choices.  Well that is until now.  I'm not a person who advocates a particular religion or gender choices etc.  Quite frankly it's not my business.  What is my business is to raise my children and teach them that you don't hate someone because of their sexual orientation, skin color or race.  (I'll also teach them to defend themselves...verbally of course...when necessary.  Rule #74626538....Don't take shit from people). 

When I watched that youtube video it struck a nerve.  You see I .... once upon a time .... was that teenage kid who thought that if you were gay, it was totally wrong.  Why?  I don't know.  Society's influence I suppose.  What I do know is that I'm eternally grateful for everyone who has been put in my path and for the lessons they've taught me.  I'm also thankful for the timing of these lessons. 

1994.  I was 16 years old.  Fun times, fun friends, learned how to drive and my first job.  I was a receptionist at Great Clips on Butler Hill.  (gravy job)  My first day on the scene was pretty typical.  You know...sweep the hair up, fold the towels, answer the phone, greet the people, blah blah blah.  Now here's where it gets interesting.  In walks this person/thing....I didn't know what the hell I was looking at.  This freakishly tall person who appeared to be a woman but at the same time was very much a man.  Red teased hair, huge hands, tall, awkward, the voice....squeaky, deep, then high pitched.  For real....what the hell??????  Freak.Of.Nature.  To my surprise he/she wasn't there for a haircut, it worked there.  Now what?  I guess I wandered around for a few hours trying to orientate myself with my new job and my new, ummmm co-worker.  Little did I know I was about to learn a huge life lesson, and so thankful I did.

It was break time.  I went to the back where we kept our things and was on my way to sneak a smoke (yes, a cigarette Ahhhh).  And then you know who strolled in the room by me.  He extended that very large hand to me and said "Hey, I'm Jeri...with an I".  Um ok.  I introduced myself to him.  I'm sure I had a perplexed look on my face.  He asked if I was going outside.  He said "Everyone deserves a break".  Guess this meant he was going with me.  I have no clue what we conversed about out there.  But I do know that the extension of his hand and the willingness to befriend a 16 year old girl started a lovely friendship.  Over the next 2 years we became good friends.  I learned a lot about his life and the changes that were going on in it.  I think it's disrespectful that I refer to Jeri as "him".  He is a "her" and her name is Alexis now.  I can't help it.  He was a boy we met.  Plus I don't talk to him anymore, nor have I seen him in 16 years, nor did I ever call him Alexis.  Whatever.  I'm losing my train of thought.  He was in the middle of gender transformation.  I know all about how a boy makes himself to appear to be a girl....I mean EVERYTHING.  More than my mother would have wanted me to know.  Lesson learned....don't judge a person from the outside. 

That was stage one of my lesson that gay people were just normal everyday people that didn't deserve to be judged.  This was just the tip of the iceberg.

I moved on from that hair sweeping job.  My next career move led me to local retail store.  I hung out at the jewelry counter.  This job was a blast.  I made a ton of friends and a lot of my good friends worked there.  We were the evening crew.  That meant lots of late nights hanging out at Steak N Shake, Dennys and that little hidden farm field by Lambert where we'd sit and watch planes take off and land.  Ahhhhhh....those were the days.  Some of the best times of my life.  No big responsibilities, blowing and entire paycheck on clothes : )  Loved it.  The electronics department was directly across from me.  I had a nice view....a nice view of a hot guy.  Ugh, he was beautiful.  We started hanging out, I developed a small crush on him, we were tight.  Time passed by and then a few random people told me he was gay.  Um yeah right!  My hot side kick was NOT gay.  Over time he'd drop a few clues here and there and then I realized he was in fact gay, even though he never came out and said it.  So there I was....19 and in love with a hot gay guy (by the way doll I know you're reading this).  I had myself a gay husband and I DIDN'T CARE.  Our friendship grew and grew.  We went to a wedding together a few months later.  After lots of drinking and dancing he and I went outside to catch some air.  He was standing right in front of me and suddenly it became crystal clear what was about to happen (in my fairytale he would have kissed me and turned straight, but noooooo).  I looked into his glassy eyes and I'll never forget the look on his face, the tone in his voice or what he said to me.  "I'm gay Nichole".  I was completely prepared for my response....and it was "Do you really think that would make me love you any less?".  Barrier broken, tension released, true friendship revealed.  I miss him.  (yes doll, I miss you....all the time.  can you imagine how much fun we'd have if we hung out?  I'd also remind you that you told me, and I quote, "Nichole if I wasn't gay I'd marry you".  Still makes me giggle).  He took my perception of gay people to the next level.  The next level would be changing that last sentence to "He took my perception of people to the next level".  No label needed. Thank you. 

All those little lessons led up to me knowing the exact words to say to my 3 year old daughter.  You see....an immediate family member of mine is gay.  One night after dinner Lauren asked us "why does ____ and ____ come here together?  where's their wife?"  We cracked up.  This wasn't a conversation I thought I'd have with my young daughter, but the words easily rolled off my tongue.  "Sometimes a man loves a woman and sometimes a man loves a man.  It doesn't matter as long as they love each other".  And you know what....she never asked another question.  100% acceptance.  My child doesn't have a prejudice against gay people.  My child has learned to love a person for who they are, not what they are or who they love.  And if my daughters ever came to me and told me that they were gay my response to them would be "if that's the worse thing you have to tell me then we're going to be ok". 

So to you ass-clowns that call yourself "Christians", the ones that feel they have the right to judge people even though your bible tells you that you have no right to judge another human, I feel so very sorry for you.  I feel sorry for your children.  I feel sorry for your soul.  I'm sorry that you may have missed out on amazing friendships.  I feel sorry for you that someone has pulled the wool so tightly over your eyes that you can't see how wrong you are.  But then again you aren't my problem.  Someday you'll be the ones that have to meet face to face with the higher power and then you can tell Him how you judged people and wished harm upon people you didn't even know.  Boo hoo hoo....remember a sin is a sin in the eyes of God, right?  I guess that doesn't make you any better than anyone else.  Ironic. 

Jeri (with an I) and my Sweet Danny Boy....see what you did to me?  xoxo forever.

2450 Crestline Dr

Just a heads up, this is probably going to be an extremely boring blog.  You might want to turn back. 

So yesterday I stopped by my parents house and my mom asked Lauren to walk two doors down to let the neighbors dogs out.  Now that house is the residence of my moms boss, but it used to be ours.  Like true blooded Oakvillians we lived in several houses while I was growing up but never outside the border of Oakville. 3 of the 4 houses my parents have lived in are within 2 blocks of each other.  Right after high school we moved ALL THE WAY down Telegraph, off Christopher, behind Queen.  It was a great house, gigantic, in ground pool, 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms, all the bells and whistles.  It only lasted about 5 years.  I left home, my brother grew up and wasn't always around.  The house began to feel gigantic to my parents, especially my mom (dude....still can't talk about it around my dad.  i don't think he wanted to move.  if you want to aggravate my mom just say "wasn't Coffee Springs the best").  Anyway, they moved.  They moved all the way back down Telegraph, two doors up from the house I lived in from the age of 6 to 18.  I never lived in the house they currently own.  I guess it was nice though.  They were back in the hood.  All the same neighbors, same Telegraph noise, the same "slow down!" as people fly up and down the street. This time they moved right next door to the Linnemans.  This was probably the best part of the move.  They're more like family than neighbors.  I started babysitting for them when I was 12.  I think I basically lived at their house for a huge majority of my teenage years.  They have 3 kids who became more like my little brothers and sister.  My Lauren Nichole is actually named after their Lauren Nicole.  The mom....Debbie is Ava's Godmother.  We're tight...  (see this blog isn't making much sense, maybe i should start over?  nah...to much work).  Anyway where was I going with this?  So they moved back.  Now the strange thing is when you go in the backyard and look to your right you're staring into our old backyard.  It doesn't really look the same.  The pool is still there, the shed, maybe a few of the trees.  This old house has seen 3 different owners since we've moved.  Our house backed up to Cliff Cave Library.  There's a subdivision behind the library now, but when I was a kid it was nothing but thick woods.  We had bike trails and forts and "indian burial grounds" back there in that shit.  It was THE shit.  The backyard is now overgrown, crappy grass, they even have a freaking chicken (gross).  When we lived there....manicured.  The grass was always cut, trimmed, edged.  The trees were perfectly placed.  The bushes, flowers....nothing ever over grown.  Doing yard work is what my parents do, and they're damn good at it.  (see where i get the obsession with the grass cutting?)  The inside of the house was the same.  Never a mess.  My dad HATES a mess.  I don't think we had a ton of money when I was really small but my parents always took care of what we had and eventually redid the entire house.  It was really nice.  Ok so back on track.  I have to walk down to this house to get Lauren and my mom says "I thought you'd like to go inside and see what it looks like".  Yeah...ok.  Now I've been in the yard since we'd left the house, but never inside.  It's so weird to walk up the driveway, look at all the little things you remember.  I went through the side gate.  Walked around in the yard for a minute (far away from the freaking chicken).  Hung out on the deck of the pool.  Same deck.  My uncle built it.  It's seen better days.  Made my way to the side door and went in.  Wow....really weird feeling.  I was standing in our breakfast room.  The floor was different, same shelves hung, same stove, same kitchen cabinets.  I opened the door to the garage, yup....same.  It started to get strange.  I stood in the living room and glanced around.  Kinda the same, but different to.  Until I turned around.  I looked over at the fireplace.  It looks identical to the way I remember it.  The same mantle, fire place screen.  It was beautiful.  And then...oh shit...was this going to get emotional?  I wasn't expecting this.  I went down the hall, second room on the left....my room.  Lump in throat I walked in.  Um this room was a freaking mess.  They have shit laying every where.  Not much connection, until I looked up at the ceiling fan (dumb right?).  That was my fan.  I remember when my dad installed it.  It was a big deal to have ceiling fans I guess.  I always thought it was ugly.  It was white with the gold scrolls outlining it.  Nevertheless it was a major memory trigger.  It was like my whole childhood existed in one big bubble.  And speaking of bubble....  I walked over to the corner of my room, moved a ton of crap and searched until there it was.  Green Apple HubbaBubba gum that I had gotten stuck in my carpet when I was 12.  Cue the tears.  OMGawd.  I balled like a baby.  That freaking gum was still there.  I was still there.  This was my room.  I wanted to rewind time so badly, just for a few minutes.  A rush of memories came back.  Standing in the backyard and my grandma telling me my dad was on the phone and I had a brother!, the scary laundry chute, the lemon yellow shag carpet that I had when we moved in, the smell of the cedar closet in the basement, my Raggedy Ann wallpaper, the gum in the carpet, Kim and I hanging out my bedroom window smoking (LOL), me almost giving Kim alcohol poisoning with the straight EverClear, the parties....parties were the best.  (and dad if you're reading this i didn't really have any parties...ok?), the time Traci and I set the woods on fire (its was small, and eventually contained). So weird to have gone back in there.  I wish I would have walked out of my room and out of the house.  I walked in my parents room, my little brothers room, downstairs.  It was all different.  The basement wasn't even recognizable.  Nothing was the same down there.  Walls were up that didn't exist, my dads bar was gone, the cedar closet was gone, a bathroom now existed.  And then it was just time to go.  This wasn't our house anymore.  Other people had been here to make changes, memories.  But my house....that tan and brown house with the manicured lawn and the loved that filled the inside....it's there.  It's right inside my head and I can go visit it anytime I want.  I lived the childhood that everyone should have.  The fantastic parents, the security, the friends next door, my grandparents across the road.  Dude...I had it.  I lived the childhood dream.  I lived the childhood dream....right there in the middle of Oakville, down Crestline, first house on the right.  2450
Just incase you didn't figure it out....that's a pic of the green gum in the carpet : )